This year marked 5 years of life being different. 5 years of wondering of all the what ifs, what could’ve beens, and feeling the weight of 5 feeling big or long or… whatever. I won’t say its 5 years of our new normal. Because frankly, I am not sure it will ever feel “normal” to long for someone or some more time as much as I catch myself doing when thinking of Leann.
5 years ago I made a promise to Leann. And maybe looking back, it was more of a promise to myself. I promised her that I wouldn’t stop fighting for a cure for cystic fibrosis. A promise that I wouldn’t stop talking about her or her story and journey with CF. This promise felt important to me. So here I am… continuing to fundraise and bring awareness for CF. Here I am, talking about her.
Leann was amazing. But just like all siblings, we had our moments of getting along and our moments of arguing. Sometimes the memories of how different we were stick out to me more. I would be playing games or pretend with friends, while she would be standing around the kitchen (as a kid) talking with all the adults. You could find her with a stack of books next to her bed that she was reading all simultaneously, while I would slowly make my way through one (or none). She wanted to get far from home for college, and I often joked about going right around the corner. I am an over sharer and socializer, and she kept lots locked in and could be hard to reach.
But then there are the memories that come to me out of nowhere. Like how when we would spend the night at my grandparents house and share a bed, and how we would decide to scratch backs. I would always ask her to scratch mine first. And she did—full on knowing I would fall asleep before turning over. She never complained. Or all our car rides to high school once she got her driver’s license. Or once when I was little and afraid of the dark and she came and looked under my bed. I can still remember her leaning over the counter with a ramekin of pretzels, or freshly popped popcorn, or sour patch kids. I can hear her laugh—though it is faint—I can hear it. And some of the memories that take up the most space would be the times she had all her tune ups in the hospital. She would let me share the bed with her, share all the jelly belly jelly beans she got, and tell all her nurses who I was. Even then, even before I knew that I knew it, I was amazed at how she handled all the big things so well. Things that kids shouldn’t have to handle.
So I guess that brings me to today. I think by now most everyone knows that I miss her so much. And even just typing that out doesn’t cover the hole I sometimes feel in my heart knowing there is no more what ifs, what could’ve beens, and how 5 feels like a lifetime apart. This year I will walk for her as I always do. I will stop by her picture and the girls will say “That’s Le Le”. I will feel the Legion as they walk physically or emotionally with us. As a her Legion, I know we all miss her and long for more. I am so thankful for all of you and all the ways you show up. Here’s to Leann. The baddest and best warrior of them all.
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Updated July 5th, 2023
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